Are You Hurting?

I realize that this is a long post but please read through to the end.

Around the holidays some people may become depressed for various reasons. This sometimes passes but can linger. Others may suffer from depression all the time but it can worsen around this time. I write about this today because depression is a horrible illness. How do I know this you may wonder. I have first hand experience with is as it has been a part of my life for years.
Surprised? I have recovered from it but it took hard work.

Years ago while pregnant with number 2 I was sick all the time. Morning sickness all day for all but 3 weeks of the entire nine months. Every routine test I had done while pregnant came back abnormal. If you've ever been pregnant or the significant other of a pregnant woman, you know they do many tests. I had one blood test for some sort of protein that came back high and they had me do it again. Still high, meaning there was a decent chance of a baby with spinabifida. (Too low and possible down syndrome.) We were offered genetic counceling but refused. We wouldn't abort the baby but would love what came.

A long story short, in the end both number 2 and I almost died during delivery. Happily all turned out well. He weighed 5lbs. 4 oz. but grew up to be a fine young man. He just got his PSAT scores back and he is in the 95 percentile; meaning he scored higher than 95% of the students in the nation that took the test. I'm sorry, I had to brag just a little.

After he was born my hormones were beyond messed up. I felt like I had an extreme case of PMS 24/7. I was on edge and angry all the time. I didn't understand why when I had a husband that loved me, 2 great children, a house and a comfortable life I wasn't happy. For a few years I buried those feelings, no one knew I felt that way. I was a great actress but it was killing me inside. Over time I felt my heart turning to stone. Nothing mattered anymore, if I died the next day, so be it. I didn't care about much of anything. I felt that no one cared about me, I didn't deserve to be loved or even liked. Why and how could anyone care about me? My self esteem was in the toilet to put it bluntly. My life sucked.

What finally put me over the edge and made me realize that I needed help to get better was one day I thought, "what have I done bringing these two children in to such a miserable world? They should never have been born." That scared the shit out of me. The next day I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with clinical depression and started treatment. With counceling and zoloft I got better. It turns out I may have been mildly depressed for years and didn't realize it and the high risk pregnancy tipped the scale.

With clinical depression you have low levels of serotonin. Serotonin is a chemical in your brain that controls a wide range of functions such as balance (at my worst I would stumble a lot), sleep/wake cycles, mood, appetite and hormonal balance. I had lost all interest in my life. If I could, I would have stayed in bed all the time. I only wanted to sleep. I couldn't smile, my face actually felt unable to do so. I sometimes slurred my words. I just felt so hopeless and empty and worthless and sad. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. Just going to the grocery store to get food for dinner, I couldn't do it. I didn't have any hope for the future. It not only affected me but my husband and children. It's no fun living with a depressed person. Nothing made me happy. I suffered with this for 4 years. I remember the first time I knew I was getting better. I was sitting outside and heard a bird singing. OMG, I had not heard the birds singing in years. I began noticing the colors and textures of life again. Today I still take meds and will never stop taking them. I never want to feel that way again. Sometimes I have nightmares that I'm going through that and wake up terrified. My motto: Better living through chemistry. It saved my life.

For many years I didn't tell anyone I suffered from this. It has a stigma attached to it and I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy. I understand now that it is an illness, you can't control it or "snap" out of it. I'm just happy that I'm a success story.

Today I am happy with myself and my life. I live each day to the fullest. I love my family, friends, job and myself. I have the "glass half full" outlook in life. My heart breaks for those that suffer with it as I've been there.

I tell you all of this because if you or anyone you know is suffering from depression; get help. It's not a personal weakness, you didn't bring it on yourself and people that love you want the old "you" back. No one should have to go through this.

Signs of Depression
*Persistant sad, anxious or "empty" mood
*Changes in sleep patterns (wanting to sleep all the time or can't sleep)
*Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased appetite and weight gain
*Loss of pleasure and interest in once enjoyable activities including sex
*Restlessness, irritablility
*Persistant physical symtoms that do not respond to treatment such as chronic pain or
digestive disorders
*Difficulty concentrating at work or school, or difficulty remembering things or making decisions
*Fatigue or loss of energy
*Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless
*Thoughts of suicide or death

Less than half of the people that have depression seek treatment.
Females suffer from depression more than males.
Men seek medical attention for depression less than women.
Untreated depression costs about $44 billion a year in lost workdays, decreased productivity, sick days and other costs.