It looks like I'm not the only living creature waiting for spring. Sean and I stopped at one of our favorite summertime spots last week and oh, was it freezing. When it gets super cold like this I worry and wonder about all of the animals. How do they stay warm? Take these seagulls floating about on an iceberg, how can their little webbed feet not be frozen? I'm sure if they had a taste of where their cousins live down south, they'd head there next winter.






Seagulls can be a pain in the neck with the noise and the aggressivness they show if food is around. They're a beautiful bird though with the soft grey, white and black feathers.I hate when a bunch fly over my head. I can only think, "please don't poop on me". I've had it happen, right on my shoulder. Yuk.







What's worse is pelican poop (PP). One got my father down in Florida. I'm used to little birds up north like cardinals, robins, gold finches, song birds but pelican droppings are huge. If you get hit with PP, you know it. Of course it was pretty funny and I tried not to laugh. (I wasn't successful) I'm sure I wouldn't have seen the humor in it if I was the victim. Good thing my dad is bald and he could just wash it off.






Cody after our Valentine's Day snowstorm. He looks so cute but when he comes inside he leaves little snowballs everywhere which in turn melt, which then I step in and get wet socks.













While it is winter here in the northern United States, it's not winter in other parts of the world. Perhaps I need to move to the southern hemisphere. A friend sent me some lovely pictures from their garden that are blooming now. It cheered me up, seeing this glimpse of summer and reminded me that our time will come in a few months. I especially loved this dahlia. It reminds me of fireworks, another thing I enjoy in the summer.



I'm sure I've bored you to death with my complaining about the weather so I'm done with it. I won't do it anymore. At least I'll try not to.

Hey, it's me!

Yes, that's me out in our backyard. We had a snowday today as the schools were closed. I don't know who gets more excited, the students or teachers. Next week we will be off for February break and oh how I wish I was going to Florida to visit the parents. Stay warm where ever you may be.

Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith's death at age 39 is tragic in many ways. Her infant baby, Danielynn, no longer has a mother and Anna will never see her grow up. I feel for that child because as she grows up she will never escape her mother's image or the way that her mother lived and died. I happened to see an interview with Anna Nicole's mother, Vergie Arthur, on 20/20. The show went with her to the Bahama's to see if Grandma could get Dannielynn and bring her home. (I'm guessing they paid for the trip thinking they could get some good TV out of it.) Thank God she didn't. In this interview she proclaimed that she loved Anna while in the next breath, trashed her.

Ms. Arthur proceeded to tell us that when Anna Nicole made it big she never gave back to her family. They never received a dime from her. Not even when a relative developed leukemia.

This woman never shed a tear throughout the interview. That leads me to believe that there are some family dynamics going on that we're not awhare of. I can't imagine a mother talking about her less than 24 hour deceased child like that. She went on to say that while Anna worked the stripper pole she raised her first child, Danny.



While I never quite understood why someone would choose the lifestyle Anna Nicole did, I do understand that as a young wife and mother "you got to do what you've got to do" to earn money to support your family. She lived in a small town without many job opportunities. I can't judge her.

I do realize that Anna Nicole thrived on the attention she got and she used her body and looks to get that wanted attention. That's not the way I would want attention. That's just the way I am.

Growing up I had a great shape. At the time I thought I was fat. I wasn't, it was just that other girls my age didn't have the curves I did. Now I would love to have the body I had in seventh grade. But back then it brought me unwanted attention. Imagine a boy telling you, "those things jiggle when you walk." Or a high school health teacher telling you that you should go to Las Vegas because you could get a job as a showgirl. What kind of showgirl he meant I don't know. Since I'm only 5' 3" I'm much too short to be a showgirl.

I never wore revealing clothes, but now that I think of it, the clothes back in the 70's aren't like they are today. I did my best to cover up and downplay my "assets". In high school I never really knew if a boy liked me for me or because of my well endowed breasts. I didn't go on many dates for that reason and gave off a "don't bother" vibe. I had boyfriends but they were just that, friends. Into my adult life it is amazing how men can be mesmerized by a pair of big boobs. Some can't keep their eyes off of them. (insert eye roll here). I worked for a gas and electric company for 18 years, the majority of my co-workers were men. One in particular stared at them all the time. One day I finally said, "You know John, these things don't talk, look at my face when I'm speaking to you." I just got fed up. (Look at my feet all you want, I don't mind)Maybe my next post will be about my experiences with sexual harrassment.

Don't get me wrong, I can take a joke about them, I even joke about them myself, but some guys are so blatently obvious when they look. Today I am much more comfortable with them. Sometimes I think about getting them reduced but decide not to. After all they are part of who I am plus they balance out the rest of my shape. If you've got to have a curvy ass, better have the curves up front to match or else your ass just looks big.


Back to Anna Nicole Smith. Personally I find her pretty when she wore less makeup and didn't have the poofy hair. I had to search for a while to find a photo of her not all glammed up. Less is more I always say. Except when it comes to breasts. ;)

Romeo & Juliet

Have you heard the story of the ancient lovers that were found Feb 7? If not read on. In Mantua, Italy construction was on-going for a new factory when these two skeletons were unearthed. They date back to 5,000-6,000 years ago in the Neolithic period. Archaeologist Elena Menotti said the prehistoric pair are probably young people as they have all of their teeth. Menotti is also quoted as saying, "As far as we know, it's unique. Double burials from the Neolithic are unheard of and these are even hugging." Also found were some flint tools and a knife.

I find this facinating. To think that this couple had a life together, somehow died together then are found together thousands of years later. This is somewhat romantic to me, to spend eternity in the arms of your lover. Even in death you can see they cared about each other. I hope that whatever they do with them, the couple is somehow kept together as they have been for all of this time.

It makes me wonder what future archaeologists will dig up 6,000 years from now. I know it won't be me. I plan on being cremated when my time comes. I cannot stand the idea of being put in the ground. NO WAY. Scatter my ashes into the St. Lawrence River or off the shore of North Truro on Cape Cod. I sometimes tell my sons that I will stipulate that my ashes be split in half so they can each keep some of me on their mantle. They just roll their eyes at me :)

Snow Day

One of the perks of working in education is that when the weather God is in a mood to mess with us, we get a snow day off from school. We have not had a snow day in 3 years. That streak ended today. Hooorrraaayyy!

It wasn't because of snow but but because of the cold. Canada, our friendly neighbor to the north, has been sending us their frigid air. I suppose one does get tired of keeping it all to themselves. The upper mid west and the northeastern part of the country are in a deep freeze.

It was so cold yesterday that the diesel fuel in the school buses froze up. Aparently the US government has mandated that there must be some sort of additive added to the fuel. Don't ask me what it's supposed to do, I have no clue. I can tell you that it does do this. When the temperature goes below 0 degrees it gets gooey and clogs the fuel filter. Ergo, the buses sieze up after running for a bit. Many of them were stranded on the side of the road yesterday while the poor kids at the bus stop were freezing. Then you have the children that walk to school. Much to cold. Rather than letting the students turn into kidcicles again today, they cancelled school. The best part was that they did so the evening before so we knew by 7 pm that we weren't going in the morning. Now we could stay up later and sleep in the next day. Who could ask for more?So all of you teachers and students that are nice and warm in your climate; ha ha, living up north does have some advantage once in a while. I bet you never get a day off because it's too hot to go to school.



This is the back of our house. It looks like a frozen waterfall.








Cody loves to eat ice cubes and when we knock down the icecicles he's in heaven. He brings them into the house and chows down. They must have some flavor to them, probably somewhat salty.

Look! Up in the Sky!

When I went to work this morning the snow was sparkling and there was this big, glowing, yellow orb in the sky. It hurt my eyes and I had to squint. It was some sort of ball of fire.

Oh yeah, it must have been the sun. I had forgotten what it looked like since we haven't seen it for weeks.

I hope it was sunny wherever you were.

Please, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I happened upon an article that said that the new fashion for men is leggings.

What?! Leggings?!

Is there any self respecting man out there that would actually wear these things? Can you imagine taking anyone serious while wearing them? How can this guy keep a straight face struttin his stuff on the catwalk?

Please, don't let this become a trend.

Maybe it's just me that doesn't get it. It's not like I live in a back woods little town. I live in the 3rd largest city in my state and can honestly say if I saw a professional dressed like that he might as well have a big S on his forehead for Sucker.






The only men that should be in tights are these guys. If you've never seen "Robin Hood, Men in Tights", head down to Blockbuster right now. Very funny take on the Robin Hood story. You won't be sorry.

As for me, I prefer my men casual in jeans and t-shirt, that can be sexy. Although I love a man in a suit and tie. Sean wears a suit maybe once a year for a wedding or funeral. If he only knew how much I love it, he'd wear one tonight. ;)

What is that you may wonder. Perhaps it is the horn of a unicorn. Or the tusk of a narwahl.







No, it's 5 foot icicles hanging from our gutter. It is freaking cold here. I hate it.
















I can't wait for spring and summer when I can sit out on the patio and watch the hummingbirds.














On top of this cold weather, we had to go and buy a new washing machine. Not something I enjoy spending money on. Sort of like when you have to buy tires for your car. Just no satisfaction in it.

Baby, it's COLD outside

Here at the 43rd parallel it's COLD. While living in the northern United States we're used to snow and cold, but so far this season we've been spoiled by not really having winter yet. Until now. It has been very mild for what we consider winter. In December the temperature averaged about 20 degrees above normal. In the month of January the average high is 31. It has been struggling to get up to 20. Yesterday our high was 11 degrees.




As many regions of the country experienced ice storms the last week, we did also. Thank goodness not as severe as some areas. I feel for those people. We had a huge one some years back and our neighborhood was out of electricity for 11 days. Eleven days without heat. We have a gas furnace but it needs electricity for the electronic ignition. The water heater is gas fired so we would rotate turns taking hot showers and all would come into the bathroom and bask in the warmth of the steam. Hotels were out of power as well. Plus they were housing the crews that came from around the country to help restore service. Eventually power was restoredto our town library and we would hang out there in front of the gas fireplace. You could tell the people that didn't have their power back yet. We all walked around with a glazed look in our eyes wearing layers of clothes and wouldn't take our coats off. We slept all in one bed, (the boys were 4 and 1 year old) wearing sweat pants and shirts, 2 pair of socks, hats, mittens and with 4 blankets Once you warmed your spot up, you didn't move for the night. The coldest the house got inside was 40 degrees. I have a new appreciation and respect for people in third world countries that live in those conditions for entire winters.

These photos were taken Monday and are still coated in ice today with a layer of snow on them now. It looks like a crazy Martha Stewart came around and frosted the trees and shrubs. It is actually very pretty.

Potty Talk

This isn't about the potty talk you may think. It's more like potty etiquette. As you may or may not know, I am the only female in a male household with husband Sean, number one son age 20 and number two son age 16. Even our dog Cody is male. At last count he has 5 of these squeeky footballs around the house. The other day I woke up with one next to my pillow.

Back to the etiquette. I'm not one of those females that rant and rave about the seat being left up. I don't care. I have to look before I sit anyway because our big dog, the aforementioned Cody, likes to drink out of the toilet. Yes, I know, eeeeewwwww, but that's the way it is here. We have tried leaving bowls of water for him but he prefers the more sophisticated taste of toilet water. The problem with that is that when he gets a drink he gets water all over the seat. Nothing worse than sitting on a wet seat. Even if it is just water. If I get up in the middle of the night I still look for a wet seat so I will notice if the seat is up or down.

My beef with the bathroom is the toilet paper, which will know be refered to as TP. Men, do you not know we ladies use TP everytime we use the bathroom. I realize that you don't but we do. The men in my life are aware of this fact because I can be very vocal about it. That means when you do take care of business that needs TP and you happen to use up the roll, please be kind and replace it with a new roll. This is all we ask.

As for me, I'm not picky about whether the paper comes off the top or from the back. I'll change it to the way I like. I don't even care if you're too lazy to put it in the holder as long as you get one out. It is so easy at my house as we have a drawer right next to toilette (it sounds better in French). I ask that if you use the last roll from the drawer, please go under the sink and get more. It's most inconvienent when you don't. There's nothing worse than when you've done bubbles and there is no paper.

What the hell are bubbles you may be wondering. When son number one was being potty trained, the first time he stood up and peed he saw that it made bubbles in the water. He was so excited that everytime he had to go, he said he had to do bubbles. So 17 years later we still call it that. It sounds so much nicer than, "I have to take a piss" don't you agree?

This isn't something I would normally share with other people but if I can educate just one man, then it was worth it. :)

Thumbelina

I planned on writing about President Bush's plan to send even more troops to Iraq but it is too depressing. We just keep getting deeper and deeper. Men and women keep dieing. It's sad...

Last night I watched Primetime Live and they had a story about the world's smallest people. They have a type of dwarfism called Primordial Dwarfism. From the time of conception these babies do not grow normally in stature, hense the name "primordial" meaning from the beginning. The babies are perfectly formed unlike other types of dwarfism. Primordial is the most severe type and it is estimated that there only about 100 people with it in the world.

Primetime profiled a little girl named Kenadie-Jourdin Bromley. She was born Feb. 13, 2003 and weighed just 2 lbs 8oz. Kenadie isn't expected to grow beyond 30 inches tall. She will be 4 years old next month and now weighs 10 lbs. There is a website about her and I encourage you to check it out. www.littlekenadie.com

Kenadie has found a way into my heart. I haven't been able to get her out of my mind since I saw her. My son thinks she is "kind of weird looking" but I think she is beautiful. That must be the mother in me. There is something about the look of wonder on her face, her smile. She looks like a little pixie. Kenadie has loving parents and a younger brother. I'd post some pictures of her but they're copyrighted and they ask that they not be downloaded so I'll respect their wishes.

I Have a Dilemma

When we go on vacation I have to be near the water. While the mountains are beautiful I must be at the water or it doesn't seem like a vacation. For at least 20 years we have gone on vacation to North Truro, Massachusetts. It's located on Cape Cod which is a peninsula shaped like a bent arm sticking out into the Atlantic Ocean. North Truro is on the outer side of the "wrist" We've always camped together with my sister's family, my parents and friends. Some years we've had as many as 7 families together. My father would put together a miniature golf course back in the pine trees. We would draw partners and have an annual golf tournament called The Flamingo Open. We spent many hours on the beach with the children digging holes, making sand castles, playing in the waves. We would boil lobsters at camp and play games at night. My parents enjoyed watching their children and grandchildren.

I love a nice beach. I love the water, the crashing waves, the seagulls, looking for seashells and pretty stones. I like to go early and have breakfast on the beach. I've been to beaches in Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia in Canada. Maine and Massachusetts in the U.S. All of these are cold water beaches. I've been to tropical beaches in Florida, St. Thomas, Bermuda, The Bahamas and Hawaii. Different beaches around the world have different kinds of sand.

On Cape Cod the sand is brown, tan and white and very coarse. You can see the indivual grains very easily. It looks like what it is; tiny, tiny stones. The shore line has usually has a path of larger stones that you have to walk over to get into the water. These are the stones I like to look at. When they're dry they look dull and drab but when wet they look like jewels. The different colors are beautiful. In North Truro the beaches are pure and pristine, part of the National Seashore and has strict regulations. There are no hotels or houses built on the beach. You can't climb the sand dunes because they don't want them eroded by people as the wind and water do enough of it.

The sand on Prince Edward Island in Canada is red. P.E.I. was formed millions of years ago on sedimentary bedrock of soft, red sandtone. This creates rich, red soil that has rust in it. Trust me when I tell you it doesn't wash out of clothes very well. On the beach we dug for clams. I'd never had clams so I tried these. No mater how much we washed them they were still crunchy with sand inside of them. I will never eat another clam.



We went to Bermuda on our honeymoon and visited Elbow Beach in Hamilton. This beach has pink sand. It is made up from pulverized remains of invertebrates such as coral, clams and other sea life. What puts the pink in the sand are forams, an animal that lives on the underside of the coral. When they die they have a red skeleton. As they drop to the sea floor they're crushed by pounding waves and washed up as sand.


I've been to a black sand beach in Hawaii on the island of Maui. As lava from the volcano quickly cooled in the water it shattered into glassy fragments that were eventually crushed into sand. Today the sand comes from the erosion of the black lava rocks that make up the island. I'll say that the black sand beach is very strange. I wasn't crazy about it plus it was very coarse.



The sand I've experienced in Florida is like white sugar, some are as fine as powdered sugar. This again comes from the sea life that has been crushed over time. While I love Cape Cod, the lure of the tropical beach is strong and since I've only experienced it a few times, they tend to be my favorite kind of beach. White sand, turquoise and aqua water and palm trees are so foreign to me and seem exotic.







Sean and I will celebrate our 25 wedding anniversary in December of this year. We've always planned on going on a nice trip to celebrate it. We thought we would go to Hawaii but that's out of the question. Too much money. We're trying to save money for this trip but it's hard. With two kids and one in college, money is tight.

Here's my dilemma. My parents want my family and my sister's family to all rent a house together this summer on Cape Cod. It has to sleep at least 10 people so we're talking a big house. Several thousand dollars. It will also be my parents 50th wedding anniversary this summer. Cape Cod is not cheap, as a matter of fact it's very expensive. We can't afford to go to Cape Cod and go on our anniversary trip to a nice relaxing, warm, tropical beach next February. I don't know what to do. Go to Cape Cod and celebrate my parents or go on our own trip and celebrate us. What should I do??

By the way, Sean says I am waaaay too wordy on this blog and no one will read it. Oh well I tell him.

Can You Be A Hero?

What is a hero? Webster's New World Dictionary defines it as; any man admired for his courage, nobility or exploits. Also; any man admired for his qualities or achievements and rearded as an ideal or model.

Can anyone be a hero? Of course they can. Do you need any special talents to be a hero? No, you don't need any. Does one wake up in the morning and say, "I think I'll be a hero today." I don't think so. But everyone can be a hero to someone.

You can be the quiet hero. The adult that mentors a youngster, showing them the way to become a productive member of society. I think that good parents are heros. It takes a lot to raise a child today. Love. Discipline. Patience. Sacrifice. The parent working several jobs for his/her family. Grandparents raising their grandchildren. Teachers that take the time to build a child's self esteem.

Then you have your public heros. Firefighters, police officers, EMT's, soldiers, doctors, nurses. These are the people you think of first when you think hero.

Atheletes can fall into the hero catagory. I don't really think of them that way. Sure they are an asset to their team. Maybe they scored the winning touch down or winning goal but I don't think that those kinds of feats affects other's lives. Now an athelete that gives his time to charities, that's another story. To do something good with your name is a great thing whether it be starting your own foundation or visiting sick children. You're a hero if you do that. I say put your money where your mouth is.



Then there are your bigger than life heros. I want to talk about 2 recent events of the past week and one from 25 years ago. The first being Wesley Autrey. He is the man that jumped down on to the subway tracks to save the life of another man. With a train coming! What was he thinking? Or was he not thinking? I could be wrong but my guess is that he didn't think. He reacted to a fellow human in danger. His two young children were on the subway platform with him. He had to leave them alone while performing this heroic act. What if his rescue had not been successful? His children would be without their father. That's why I think he reacted in the moment. Let's face it, if heros thought it through everytime, they wouldn't do it. Would you be able to do it? If it were to save my children, I would do whatever it took, whatever the risk. I would give my life for theirs. But in the case of someone I didn't know? I guess I don't know if I would until I'm put in that situation. I'd like to think I had the guts to save another person. Mr Autrey is a Navy veteran. Could that have had something to do with it? Mr. Autery has been showered with publicity as well as gifts such as a week long trip to Disney World, $10,000. from Donald Trump, a scholarship for his children, a Bronze medallion, New York City's highest award for civic achievement from Mayor Bloomberg and he gets to ride the subway for free for one year. He certainly deserves all of these accolades. Thank goodness for men like Wesley Autrey.

Two days later, best friends,Julio Gonzalez and Pedro Nevarez were walking down the sidewalk, again in New York City, and heard a child (3 years old) calling for help. Imagine looking upward and seeing a child dangling 4 stories up. The child let go and was caught by Mr. Gonzalez after bouncing off Nevarez. Talk about being in the right place at the right place. There was a gardian angel with those three people that day.









Twenty five years ago this month, Florida Air flight 90 took off from Washington D.C. in a severe snowstorm. The Boeing 737 could not gain altitude and clipped the 14th Street Bridge over the Potomac River. It crashed through the 1" thick ice on the river. Helicopters were despatched to participate in the rescue. Meanwhile, watching from the bridge was a 28 year old office worker named Lenny Skutnik. He saw a woman floundering in the water and realized she could wait no longer for a life line. Lenny then took off his coat and boots and without any thought to his own life, plunged into the frigid water, swam to her and brought her to safety. He later was quoted as saying, "I just couldn't stand there and do nothing to help." Mr. Skutnik was later awarded with the U.S. Coast Guard Gold Lifesaving medal and the Carnegie Hero Fund Medal. He attended the State of the Union address with First Lady Nancy Reagan. Another hero from the crash was Arland D. Williams Jr. He was on the doomed plane and still attached to it. He repeatedly handed off the life line from the helicopter to others to be rescued. That day 5 people were saved, 78 died including Williams when the plane sunk and took him with it.


"There are many kinds of heros in life, male and female. Everyone and anyone can be one." Summer

"Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody and to that person whatever he says has an enhanced value." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in."
Andrew Jackson

It's 2007

It's the first day of 2007 and it's grey and dreary as it tends to be in this part of the world. I think I will stay in my jammies all day today. I swear I have to move some place where the sun shines on a regular basis. It doesn't have to be tropical or even warm. Ok, warm would be nice, I would be happy with temps in the 60's during the winter. But sunshine is my ultimate goal. I just watched the Rose Parade and now I want to move to Pasadena. I swear if Sean had a job that wasn't sooo specialized and he could find the same line of work somewhere else, we'd be out of here. I'd like to go and visit my parents in Florida for a week this winter but Number 2 needs to take Driver Ed. in school this spring and it costs us $385. for the class.

I do think that 2007 will be a good year if only for the silly fact that I like odd numbers. When asked to pick one, I always go odd and always pick tails in a coin toss. My house number is odd but my phone number with area code has 7 even numbers in it. I was born on an even day in an even year. But I'm not into numerology. I just like odd numbers for some strange reason. I'm not sure why I just wrote that, it cannot be interesting to anyone but me.

Back to 2007 (I'm not into making resolutions; I just can't seem to keep them and that's discouraging to me.) but this is what I'm looking forward to. In no particular order, here's my list. SPRING. I know winter just started but I miss my garden and seeing things grow. Helping my students get through the rest of 5th grade. Working in special education has its ups and downs but there is nothing more satisfying than getting through to a student that's struggling. Helping a friend through tough times. Enjoying my family and friends. A trip back to the 1000 Islands in NY. Improving my health, I swear my body feels 90 years old somedays. At least my mind feels 25.

My wish for you is that 2007 will be the best year yet of your life. Free from sadness, fear, prejudice and stupidity.

Are You Hurting?

I realize that this is a long post but please read through to the end.

Around the holidays some people may become depressed for various reasons. This sometimes passes but can linger. Others may suffer from depression all the time but it can worsen around this time. I write about this today because depression is a horrible illness. How do I know this you may wonder. I have first hand experience with is as it has been a part of my life for years.
Surprised? I have recovered from it but it took hard work.

Years ago while pregnant with number 2 I was sick all the time. Morning sickness all day for all but 3 weeks of the entire nine months. Every routine test I had done while pregnant came back abnormal. If you've ever been pregnant or the significant other of a pregnant woman, you know they do many tests. I had one blood test for some sort of protein that came back high and they had me do it again. Still high, meaning there was a decent chance of a baby with spinabifida. (Too low and possible down syndrome.) We were offered genetic counceling but refused. We wouldn't abort the baby but would love what came.

A long story short, in the end both number 2 and I almost died during delivery. Happily all turned out well. He weighed 5lbs. 4 oz. but grew up to be a fine young man. He just got his PSAT scores back and he is in the 95 percentile; meaning he scored higher than 95% of the students in the nation that took the test. I'm sorry, I had to brag just a little.

After he was born my hormones were beyond messed up. I felt like I had an extreme case of PMS 24/7. I was on edge and angry all the time. I didn't understand why when I had a husband that loved me, 2 great children, a house and a comfortable life I wasn't happy. For a few years I buried those feelings, no one knew I felt that way. I was a great actress but it was killing me inside. Over time I felt my heart turning to stone. Nothing mattered anymore, if I died the next day, so be it. I didn't care about much of anything. I felt that no one cared about me, I didn't deserve to be loved or even liked. Why and how could anyone care about me? My self esteem was in the toilet to put it bluntly. My life sucked.

What finally put me over the edge and made me realize that I needed help to get better was one day I thought, "what have I done bringing these two children in to such a miserable world? They should never have been born." That scared the shit out of me. The next day I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with clinical depression and started treatment. With counceling and zoloft I got better. It turns out I may have been mildly depressed for years and didn't realize it and the high risk pregnancy tipped the scale.

With clinical depression you have low levels of serotonin. Serotonin is a chemical in your brain that controls a wide range of functions such as balance (at my worst I would stumble a lot), sleep/wake cycles, mood, appetite and hormonal balance. I had lost all interest in my life. If I could, I would have stayed in bed all the time. I only wanted to sleep. I couldn't smile, my face actually felt unable to do so. I sometimes slurred my words. I just felt so hopeless and empty and worthless and sad. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. Just going to the grocery store to get food for dinner, I couldn't do it. I didn't have any hope for the future. It not only affected me but my husband and children. It's no fun living with a depressed person. Nothing made me happy. I suffered with this for 4 years. I remember the first time I knew I was getting better. I was sitting outside and heard a bird singing. OMG, I had not heard the birds singing in years. I began noticing the colors and textures of life again. Today I still take meds and will never stop taking them. I never want to feel that way again. Sometimes I have nightmares that I'm going through that and wake up terrified. My motto: Better living through chemistry. It saved my life.

For many years I didn't tell anyone I suffered from this. It has a stigma attached to it and I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy. I understand now that it is an illness, you can't control it or "snap" out of it. I'm just happy that I'm a success story.

Today I am happy with myself and my life. I live each day to the fullest. I love my family, friends, job and myself. I have the "glass half full" outlook in life. My heart breaks for those that suffer with it as I've been there.

I tell you all of this because if you or anyone you know is suffering from depression; get help. It's not a personal weakness, you didn't bring it on yourself and people that love you want the old "you" back. No one should have to go through this.

Signs of Depression
*Persistant sad, anxious or "empty" mood
*Changes in sleep patterns (wanting to sleep all the time or can't sleep)
*Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased appetite and weight gain
*Loss of pleasure and interest in once enjoyable activities including sex
*Restlessness, irritablility
*Persistant physical symtoms that do not respond to treatment such as chronic pain or
digestive disorders
*Difficulty concentrating at work or school, or difficulty remembering things or making decisions
*Fatigue or loss of energy
*Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless
*Thoughts of suicide or death

Less than half of the people that have depression seek treatment.
Females suffer from depression more than males.
Men seek medical attention for depression less than women.
Untreated depression costs about $44 billion a year in lost workdays, decreased productivity, sick days and other costs.

I hope that everyone had an enjoyable Chirstmas Day. My family and I had a good one but somewhat unusual. It started at 8:00 when we went over to my sister's family's house for opening gifts. We all received many nice ones and it made me happy that I gave generously to the Toys For Tots campaign. I would have felt even more guilty for receiving so many nice things.

I made my egg and sausage casserole for breakfast and baked it in my sister's gas oven. No problem. Later when she turns it on to get it ready for the turkey; it won't light. The menfolk played around with it, took it apart; nothing. It was either go out for Chinese or cook the turkey elsewhere. Sean and I packed up Tom and left for home. Fours hours later we returned with a pefectly roasted turkey. We missed Chirstmas afternoon when we all play games that were received from Santa but it could have been worse.

Don't you love it when the gift you give to someone turns out to be the favorite gift they receive? We got my niece and nephew each an i Dog. You plug an MP3 player into it and its a speaker. Plus the dog's face does a little light show to the music, moves his head to the beat and wiggles its ears. They LOVE it.


Number one son loved the North Face gloves and Timberland boots he got since it's cold and wet walking around on campus.

Number two bought himself a Wii last month and got a new game for it yesterday from his aunts. It was a hit. Then he opened a Playstation 2 game we got him, Guitar Hero, and has been playing that since. I'm rather tired of hearing it but he loves it.

Sean couldn't decide on a favorite but then said that by just a millimeter he picked the flash drive that he got from Number 2

My favorite gift came from Number One. He got me this sweatshirt blanket at school. He knows I love hanging around with a blanket in the winter and this is very snuggly. I think what I love the best about it is that it's really a perfect thing for me, he picked it out himself without any ideas from anyone. He bought it with his own money and wrapped it himsef.

The evening ended on a downer though. My sister's dog bit my father on the knuckle. We took him to the firehouse to have the medic look at it and they said he needed to have stitches. Sean, me, number 1 & 2 along with my mother went to emergency to have it done. Dad is fine after 3 stitches but the dog...well grandpa is the 3rd person she has bitten. Their dog has been seen by a "dog whisperer" and that hasn't helped with her temprement. She has become more aggressive as time goes by. She is just 2 years old. They called the vet today who is awhere of the history and she said that she needs to be put down. My dad feels bad because this bite was the last straw and while he is glad that she bit him and not one of the kids, it because of this the dog has to go.

My last thought for today is that I am very blessed to have the children, husband, family and friends that I do. I couldn't ask for anything else.

Merry Christmas

I held out hope for a white Christmas but it will be green. That's okay, it's the spirit of the day that is important. It seems like when I was a child we would get more snow and the holiday was always white. I did some research and in my city over the past 50 years we had snow for Christmas 60% of the time. At least the sky is blue and the sun is shining.

To me, Christmas is always associated with snow. If you watch holiday TV shows, most of the time, snow. Many Christmas cards feature snow and holiday songs sing about snow. So I wonder what Christmas is like for people who live in down South or in tropical places where snow flurries never fly. Christmas lights on palm trees? Very foreign to me. Warm balmy weather? Very unchristmas to me.



Twenty four years ago we went to Bermuda on December 12 for our honeymoon. It was in the 60's and sunny. We walked around in shorts and sometimes sweatshirts but the locals all were in fur coats, leather boots, gloves. For us that was warm. The island was all decorated for the holidays with colored lights but it made me homesick for the Christmas season that I know and love back home. Sean, why did we pick December to be married in? Yes, I know, I picked that date. What was I thinking?

But in the whole scheme of things, it doesn't matter where you are for Christmas, it's what's in your heart and the people you love.Many people for different reasons can't be with the ones they love for Christmas so I will say a prayer for them. To all of my wonderful friends that I met, no matter what you celebrate, I wish you peace and health for the holidays and in 2007.